I was relating to a friend about my efforts last school year to fit in, to toe the line. This time last year, newly ensconced in my VP position on the PTA (I felt Very! Very! Important!), I was sure to straighten my unruly hair, smile at the bitches I hated, and always, always deferred to the Queen Bees. My friend just looked at me and said:

"That was you trying?"

Ah, yes. And therein lies the problem. I am never as mainstream and conformist as I think I am. Even as a young girl growing up here, I could buy the right clothes, but they never looked 'right' on me. I could follow the leader, but was still excluded. Maybe there was always a budding freak under it all. Maybe they sensed it about me before I knew it about myself, the freak flag was waving from the cradle.

The saddest part is, I do feel there are more of me than there are of them. I can see it in the faces of the other moms who want to come talk to me, but know if they do, they risk the wrath and risk their own social standing. I smile and incline my head, as if to tell them, I get it. A year ago, I probably would have done the same. I did do the same. And that makes me sad I bought into it.

I get a knot in my stomach as I drive the kids to and from school now. Twice a day, my stomach ties itself up and recoils at the thought of oh my god, I have to go do this again- but I steel myself and shove it down and hold my head up. I will not hide in my car in shame. I have to remind myself that it's not important, they aren't important. And they can incidentally go fuck themselves.