I was relating to a friend about my efforts last school year to fit in, to toe the line. This time last year, newly ensconced in my VP position on the PTA (I felt Very! Very! Important!), I was sure to straighten my unruly hair, smile at the bitches I hated, and always, always deferred to the Queen Bees. My friend just looked at me and said:

"That was you trying?"

Ah, yes. And therein lies the problem. I am never as mainstream and conformist as I think I am. Even as a young girl growing up here, I could buy the right clothes, but they never looked 'right' on me. I could follow the leader, but was still excluded. Maybe there was always a budding freak under it all. Maybe they sensed it about me before I knew it about myself, the freak flag was waving from the cradle.

The saddest part is, I do feel there are more of me than there are of them. I can see it in the faces of the other moms who want to come talk to me, but know if they do, they risk the wrath and risk their own social standing. I smile and incline my head, as if to tell them, I get it. A year ago, I probably would have done the same. I did do the same. And that makes me sad I bought into it.

I get a knot in my stomach as I drive the kids to and from school now. Twice a day, my stomach ties itself up and recoils at the thought of oh my god, I have to go do this again- but I steel myself and shove it down and hold my head up. I will not hide in my car in shame. I have to remind myself that it's not important, they aren't important. And they can incidentally go fuck themselves.

When some one opens a conversation with 'Now, I'm telling you this as a friend', you know it's not going to be good.

Perhaps I should rewind a little. My children go to school in a semi-affluent suburb in the midwest. It's the kind of neighborhood where the houses look mostly alike, and the people are expected to as well. You could call it 'Mayberry'. "Middle America'. All those terms we use when discussing places that have a 50's feel, a throwback to a kinder time.

The reality of it more of a 'fit in, toe the line, or we will mow your ass down.'

You could say that I snapped. After months of being 'on the outs' with the Queen Bee, it came to a head when she brought my kid into it. A. is in 2nd grade, a sweet and gentle soul. There was an overt, obvious, blatant snub towards her by The Queen's daughter. The sort of thing that leaves a 7 year old hanging her head with her eyes full of tears. I reacted in what was probably the least productive but the absolutely most satisfying. I called her an 'evil soul sucking harpy' on facebook.

I should have known the land mine I was setting off, but I have never been one to think clearly where emotions are involved. I figured since I didn't name names, it was a grey area. However, the vast majority of the school didn't seem to think so.

And so, the phone call. From someone I would hesitate to call a friend. She's the type that likes to cozy up for gossip. She's been known to sling racial slurs towards a child. Says vile things about other moms. Like we all do, but apparently, in PTA mom code, that's all acceptable if you do it behind someone's back. So she calls to tell me she's unfriending me on facebook, 'but I'm not unfriending you in life.' Which seemed odd, since I hadn't spoken to her all summer, and she went out of her way yo exclude my daughter in an end-of-year get together. I assured her that I understood, I tend to not have a filter, I get it. It can be a lot to take. I found it weird that she would call to tell me- just hit the 'remove from friends' button, for god's sake!

But she was just getting started. She wanted me to know, 'as a friend', that what I did was the meanest, most vile thing she'd witnessed. I'd like to be able to repeat all the things she said, but I think my sobbing blocked most of it out. My favorite thing to do: grocery shop, talk on the phone, and sob hysterically. Because that's going to further cement my stellar PTA status. I wish I'd pointed out her furor over a child that picked on her daughter- she called the girl 'a dirty little mexican'. But I didn't. I let her speak to me in her superior tone and tell me that my way of handling things is inappropriate. I let her tell me I was 'ruining my daughter's chances' for a social life.

After the dust settled and I had a chance to reflect, I had to ask myself: was it worth it? And without any hesitation, I can say:

You bet your sweet ass it was.

The last 4 years, I have tried to play the game. I shopped at J Crew, volunteered my ass off, and, in short, tried to hide everything about myself from these women with the belief that it was the only way to ensure my kids did not have the miserable experience in grade school that I did. And while I can say I know a lot of women, I can't say that they're true friends. I can't say that my life is richer for knowing any of them.

I think it's safe to say I have had the PTA equivalent of a fish wrapped in newspaper.